How to Succeed on the Internet

The internet is confusing. Ever since social media became popular, the internet has become a rapidly-changing place, which often leaves the average person feeling disoriented. Even I was once lost – I never knew how to react to certain situations like offensive tweets or weird, stupid trends.

Fortunately, I was able to overcome that, and now I’m going pass what I’ve learned onto you! Whether you’re dealing with people making money, knowing how to share your favorite memes, or successfully winning a comment debate, these five simple rules will help guide you as you navigate the world wide web.

Rule #1 – No one is allowed to make money doing something they love

Let’s say you follow a social media account, perhaps it’s about dogs, or pineapples, or peanut butter. Whatever the case may be, the account has a catchphrase, logo, or something associated with it that seems pretty popular. In response, the account begins selling t-shirts and stickers with that catchphrase or logo.

Suddenly, your world is shattered. Was this entire account, this pure, all-good, pineapple-promoting account just a ruse? What you thought was innocent has been revealed to be a diabolical money-making machine! The masses of sheeple following the account seem perfectly content to buy whatever garbage they’re selling without thinking of the consequences, but the curtain has been pulled back, and you won’t stay silent any longer. It’s time to tell the world about this terrible injustice!


The proper response to this situation is, naturally, to call out the account for taking advantage of its poor, unwitting followers. It doesn’t matter if the content on social media is still free – you’ve seen their true intentions firsthand, and you know that behind those cute pictures of fluffy animals is a soulless creature with only its own capitalistic interests in mind.

You hate to be the one who brings the bad news to light, but what can be done? It would be far worse to let these millions of followers continue to walk in darkness. You must save them, no matter how many Tweets it takes.

Rule #2 – Everything online is free to take

Imagine you’re scrolling through your social media feed and come across a funny post or meme. In fact, it’s so clever, you want it on your own profile! What should you do? In this case, it is perfectly appropriate to take a screenshot of the post in question and then share it as an image on your own page!

IMG_2464 (Edited)

When doing this, don’t worry about including the account that originally posted it. If you have to crop out their username to make your picture a perfect square for Instagram, that’s all right. And tagging the person who originally posted it? Don’t even bother. In the end, they’re the ones who posted it on the internet, and we all know that everything on the internet is up for grabs. If they come crying to you (and surely they will, as they’re not as intelligent as you are) saying you “stole their content,” be sure to remind them of this fact.

Rule #3 – Don’t treat people with basic decency and respect

More often than not, people on the internet will disagree with you. It’s not uncommon for an argument to arise and tempers to flare. When this happens, it’s vital that you remember one important thing: it’s just an account on the internet. Yes, of course that account is run by a person, but that doesn’t matter. After all, they’re the ones hiding behind their screen name and saying those offensive things, so they should’ve seen this coming.

With that in mind, feel free to unleash the cleverest and most cutting comebacks in your arsenal. It doesn’t matter if you say something hurtful – this person is a coward, hiding behind their Twitter handle, and the only important thing is to prove your position is correct.

Rule #4 – Don’t research your arguments

While we’re on the subject of arguments, here’s another insider tip: You don’t need to know all the facts before making a point. In high school, you were probably taught to do your research before creating a thesis statement, but when making a claim on the internet, all of that advice goes out the window. Really, all you need to do is read a few web articles from your favorite news site, make sure they support your argument, and then you’re all set! Be sure to share the links to those articles so that your opponents can read them. After all, there’s nothing more convincing than a biased blog post that demonizes the other side!

unbiased research 2

Rule #5 – Make fun of every new trend

Thanks to the internet, new trends spread faster than ever. Whether it’s a new movie, music artist, or gadget, social media users are raving about something new every other week. Most of the time, ignoring this type of fanaticism is easy. However, every so often, there’s one trend that just doesn’t sit right with you. You can’t put your finger on it, but whatever it is, you hate that trend with every fiber of your being.

Most people would be content to let this slide, but not you. No, you have a job to do. That’s right, it’s time to take that trend and drag it through the mud as much as possible. It doesn’t matter if other people enjoy it, what’s most important is that you don’t like it, and it is up the utmost importance that everyone knows how absolutely stupid and pathetic this trend is. Pull out all the stops here – clever tweets and short videos are all fair game. By the time you’re finished, this trend won’t have any legs left to stand on.

What are your tips for succeeding on the internet? Did I leave anything out? Be sure to let me know in the comments!

Until next time!

5 thoughts on “How to Succeed on the Internet

  1. The “person” who wrote this post is obviously an uneducated swine who didn’t do ANY research into this topic. After all, it’s completely common knowledge that 95.87917434% of Twitter handles are actually run by robots created to further a communist agenda while luring innocent HUMAN users to their deaths. To call these users people is a gross mistake that completely disqualifies 100% of the rest of this post. I can’t even begin to state how angry I am at this. I was personally victimized by a computer robot that stole my recipe for cupcakes when I was 8 years old and got on Cake Boss when I should have been there instead. It’s posts like these that show that the internet should only be used by completely intelligent nice people like me who have a PhD in astrophysics and the chemistry of baking. The author is probbaly a robot themselves. Totally unreliable. Very sad.

    Liked by 1 person

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